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Snark Twain is the unacknowledged, uncrowned, pound-for-pound, heavyweight champion writer of the world. He is also extremely modest. He lives in San Francisco with his trophy wife and two cats more beautiful than your children. You can read more of…
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How to get out of Afghanistan
During the early, heady days of the Obama administration, when fear stalked the land and Wall Street execs had to change their Calvins hourly, Rahm and the boys had a saying. “Never let a good crisis go to waste.”
That was a…
Roughing the Rusher
Rush Limbaugh, America’s Rectum of the Radio, will not get the chance to spread his malodorous flatus on yet another industry. The NFL said no, thanks.
This was big news the past couple of days. TV was all over it, like white on…
Who Roots for America?
Who is so bold as to root for America anymore? Once it was a given, now rooting for America is passé on both sides of the political divide. These days you can get more applause, American applause, by rooting for America to…
No, you can’t
For Barack Obama, the easy part is over. Dealing with the rednecks, racists and right-wing dead-enders was duck soup compared to what’s coming now. While we were engaged in pleasant diversions like debating health care reform and financial re-regulation real trouble was…
The Magical Power of Sports
You know what’s sad about living in this disillusioned age? Disillusionment. It starts when you’re a kid and never lets up.
When we’re children and someone tells us that “life isn’t fair,” we cry. When we’re adults and we hear those words we nod…
Calling all Commies: We Need You!
I knew this was going to happen. It crossed my mind twenty years ago, on that glorious day when the wall came down and communism collapsed.
I cheered along with the world, as the iron curtain burst from within and a million…
Ted Kennedy: The Last of His Kind
The news came out of the Kennedy compound Tuesday night. Teddy was dead.
You don’t hear much about “compounds” anymore, they seem like a relic of a bygone era, like the “trusts” and “robber barons’ that generated the loot that built them.
People…
You blame Obama, I blame You
The progressive left is all over our president for failing them. I think it’s the other way around.
Our leaders don’t lead, they follow. That’s how politics works in a democracy. Every rights movement, from woman’s suffrage and racial equality to gay liberation and…
The Government Conspiracy Agency: Annual Report
Greetings, Master:
As the attached documentation will show, we’ve had a very productive year. I’ve taken the liberty of outlining some of our achievements in this letter, for your eyes only, Dark One.
To get the bad news out of the way, our…
Republican Autoerotic Asphyxiation
One glance at the birthers and the town hall screamers tells you all you need to know. You don’t even need to see it, you can hear it in their strangled cries. The Republican party is a junkie, addicted to hate.
“The base…
The Crash, the Panic, the Depression.
Here’s the way it works. First, the Crash. If the crash is bad enough, the Panic. If the panic takes hold, there is nothing politicians or economists can do to stop it.
You can’t end a full-throated panic like the one we’re in right…
The American Institute of Plug Pullers wants you!
Are you out of work? Has your career gone down the drain? Have they closed your store and turned it into a soup kitchen? Do your best chances for a dignified retirement now rest with the Grim Reaper? Are you dreading…
Good Things in Bad Times
Spring came late this year. Winter was long and bruising, it tried our patience and tired our spirits, the leaves turned brown and dropped off, our greenbacks turned brown and died, we’ve grown weary, so weary, waiting for the thaw.
Spring came…
How the world should handle Kim Jong-Il
With his latest missile misfire polluting the waters of the North Pacific, an anxious world awaits the next provocation from Kim Jong-Il. Nobody can be quite sure what it will be, another failed nuclear test, another bluster-and-blow-up rocket launch, but one…
The Great Obama Rebranding: Part one
Now that the tea party yahoos have had their fun, dressing up in Colonial kitsch while pop-topping six packs of Arizona Southern Style Sweet Tea and pouring it into Lake Erie, poisoning the trout and giving the ducks diabetes, we…
The Great Obama Rebranding: Part two
Last week I said I’d take a look at how president Obama was doing on his most difficult task: Rebranding the used-up, soiled image of the American Government, both here and abroad.
Well, we’re still short of a hundred days, but…
Swine Flu Hate Speech
Dear fellow mammals:
The Porcine International Goodwill Society is alarmed by the hate speech being directed at its members by a boorish, unfeeling human race during a tragic time for our species.
“Swine Flu,” you call it so callously. Do you realize Swine…
Dijon mustard, Elizabeth Edwards, steroids, and other fake-opinion hypocrisies
You know what they say about opinions—how they’re just like anuses because everybody’s got one?
Well, it’s a half-assed saying because it’s only half right. The whole truth about opinions and anuses is not found in the aperture, but in the emissions.
And…
Much ado about everything
Ado, ado, ado.
And now, without further ado, here is All the News That’s Fit to Fake.
Missing link found in Germany! Darwin confirmed! Archeologists triumphantly announced the discovery of “Ida,” a 47 million year old fossil that didn’t have the good manners to…
Sonia Sotomayor and GOP self-immolation
It is time that President Obama stopped being so unfair to the Republican party. His nomination of Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court puts the lie to his promise of bipartisanship.
The GOP, or Geriatric Old Party, has one strategy left—praying for…
We are all libertarians—for us
I never thought I’d live to see the day, but Dick Cheney offered his nation a powerful lesson in citizenship this week. When, at one of his daily Obama bashings, he was asked where he stood on the gay marriage debate,…
The Pragdealist Alternative: A Declaration of Independence
A new wind is blowing through America, change is in the air and I’m not talking about Barack Obama. This change is deeper than that, more fundamental. Our president is a product of that change, not its cause. Americans are marginalizing the margins.
The…
Satirists on Strike!
Peer closely enough into your computer screens, dear readers, and you’ll see your humble scribe marching around his television wearing a sandwich board that says “UNFAIR TO SATIRISTS” in big bold letters.
Last week was the last straw. It started with missing…
Forty Years and Counting: The Death of the High Frontier
Get ready to celebrate the original Blast From the Past. This July 20th marks the 40th anniversary of Apollo 11. Expect hoopla—unless another mega-celebrity picks that day to take one pill too many.
Forty years! There’s a thought that makes me feel old. Yet I remember it…
Cover Everybody
It’s getting down to crunch time for health care reform, time for our representatives to represent and our leaders to lead. I’m terrified they’re going to screw it up. Each day the arguments get more arcane, the plans less clear, the goals…
The Real Truth Behind Gates-gate
I don’t know how we missed this one, because it’s blindingly obvious. What’s really important about the Great Cambridge Confrontation got buried in a firestorm of passionate speculation. When passions run high, the truth lays low.
Was the Gates/Crowley episode an ugly case…
