Obamaphobia

They say it’s all over but the shouting.

“AHHHHGRRHH!”

OK, now it’s all over. And that wasn’t me doing the shouting there, that was the GOP, the conservatives. Not all of them, not the rational ones among them, not even the McCain supporters.

Nope, the ones who are screaming in pain, moaning in misery, hollering in horror, trilling in terror and generally making an unseemly spectacle of themselves are the Obamaphobiacs.

These are the people who are sure that the coming of Barack Obama signals the apocalypse, the end of the world as we know it. You see them at Palin rallies hollering “Off with his head!” like hillbilly Robespierres screaming for Antoinette’s blood. You hear them on talk radio, choking on their own rage, crying “Oh, the humanity!” They can be found on TV, talking heads talking like chickens with their heads cut off, and making about as much sense. They are an American tragedy.

And the very worst, most tragic thing about it all is, to them, it’s real. They mean it. They are terrified by the coming Obama presidency. They have Obamaphobia.

Obamaphobia is a disease. These poor people are afflicted with a case of the willies—and I don’t mean the ordinary willies; I mean the Horton willies. But they are also my fellow Americans. They may think that I, and my like-minded comrades-in-Obama don’t care about them, but they are wrong.

We are all patriots, and so is he. All of us will spend the next four-to-eight years together, our fates linked, like it or not. I come here today, poor afflicted Obamphobiacs, to heal your pain.

First, take a deep breath. There is nothing to worry about. I have it on good authority that Barack will not be taking the oath of office from Louis Farrakhan. Rumors to the effect that the “Star Spangled Banner” will be replaced by 50 Cent’s “What’s up, Gangsta” are without foundation. William Ayres will not be going to the supreme court. William Clinton, maybe, but he’s a bubba just like you so don’t panic.

Really guys, what’s the worst that could happen? I know you’re scared that Obama is so liberal he might nationalize the banks and federalize everybody’s mortgage. That he’ll ignite class warfare by demonizing the Wall Street crowd and the Washington elites. That he’s going to tax and spend us into the poorhouse, going so far as to tax your feeble health care benefits. I understand your fears about him.

Oh … wait. That’s all McCain. My bad.

Let me try again. Here’s what you need to know about our next president. Barack Obama is not a Muslim, he’s a Hawaiian. He loves America just like you, maybe more than you because it’s been so good to him he’s going to be running the place in three months. He wants Bin Laden dead, just like you. He wants America respected in the world, just like you. He loves you so much he won’t allow gays to marry, even though, in his heart of hearts, I bet he wishes they could.

Some people are contemptuous of you, Obamaphobes, but not me. You are patriots and so am I. And the truest form of patriotism is pride. You’ll have to trust me on this, but once Obama is elected this country will experience a rush of pride the likes of which hasn’t been seen since VJ day. You can be a grump and wallow in anger and misery for the next four-to-eight years, or you can fight your disease and enjoy the sweet, hopeful moment.

I’m not saying you have to vote for him, I’m not even saying you have to like him. I’m just telling you it will be OK, the sun will still rise in the east, the flag will still have fifty stars, and your life won’t be any worse. How could it be? Unless you drown in the bile of your self-inflicted Obamaphobia.

Of course, if he turns around on the Capitol steps on 1.20.09 and barks “Who’s your daddy now!” at the television cameras, I think you should move to Argentina, because he means you.

LATE BREAKING NEWS! Hear Snark Twain live on The Gathering Storm talk show this Friday, Oct. 17, at noon. The subjects will be the election, terror, the economy and national security. Big laughs! A splendid time is guaranteed for all. Hear it live or in the archives at Blogtalkradio.com.