Waiting and waiting….

I couldn’t take it anymore, the wait was killing me. Even writing my weekly commentary wasn’t cutting it.  I had to do something to make the next two weeks pass quickly, so I took a job. I figured if I had to wait, I might as well make some money doing it….

“Welcome to Chez Hypocrisy, my name is Snark and I’ll be your waiter tonight.

“Our special appetizers, available for the next four days, seven if necessary, are Tampa Bay Ray ala Irwin, or Olde Tyme Philly Cheesesteak. Whichever you choose I can assure you, it’s World Class.

“No, I’m sorry, we ran out of Boston Chowder last week. It was a big surprise to us, too. The same is true of our Los Angeles Chokeburger.

“Our end-of-the-month dinner specials include a delicious Fillet of dry-aged Johnny Steak, smothered in Alaskan mud, with heirloom bitter herbs and a salad of Green Envy, dressed with Regret. That also comes with your choice of whine, White or Whiter.

“If you’re dieting, I recommend the Russian Bear Claw Palin. It’ll do wonders for your waistline. It’s low carb, low fat, low protein and totally without nourishment. We don’t actually serve it, but we bring it close enough that you can see it from your table.

“Also, we have a Main Street Mixed Grill that is to die for. It’s all the comfort food you ate growing up in middle America, shoved down your throat until you’re ready to explode. If you can swallow ten pounds of it, everyone at your table eats free!

“Our prize-winning roast pig comes both ways, with and without lipstick.

“You might want to choose from our everyday favorites. Tonight we have:

“Savory Chicken Balls fried in Offshore oil.

“Aged Arizona Elephant with cornbread.

“Thrice-cooked Chestnut Crackers with your choice of Sixties smears.

“Medical marijuana brownies, available in our blue state restaurants only.

“GOPher waffles with Chinese Creamery Melanin-Butter, Unfrosted Let-Them-Eat-Cake cake, and Nuclear Mushroom Glacé dusted with Clean Coal pepper on a globally warmed plate.

“Our featured cocktail is the Saturday Night Special. It’s a traditional concoction that’s been around so long it’s gotten terribly stale, but now it’s reborn in a new, lively recipe that’s too, too fey. It will have you giggling all through your meal, I promise!

“Make sure to save some room for dessert. We have Half-baked Alaska drizzled with simpleton syrup, surrounded by sour grapes and crowned with a whipped cream so airy it’s hardly there at all. Our retro dessert is a clearance item that did very well for us the past eight years, but now we’re closing it out. It’s a leftover mélange of silly sorbets and outdated broulettes glazed with new sugary frosting that’s guaranteed to taste just as good coming up as it did going down.

“Are you folks ready for the check? I hope you enjoyed your dinner. I’m sorry, we no longer accept credit cards. Chez Hypocrisy is a happening place and credit is so September! We don’t take dollars, either, but we’ll be happy to exchange them for Euros, three-to-one.

“It was truly a pleasure serving you. Be sure to come back in a couple of weeks. We’re planning a Hawaiian Luau that’ll knock your socks off!”

Last 5 posts by

• Satirists on Strike! - June 30th, 2009
• Nine Word Obituary - June 26th, 2009
• The Pragdealist Alternative: A Declaration of Independence - June 18th, 2009
• We are all libertarians—for us - June 5th, 2009
• Sonia Sotomayor and GOP self-immolation - May 29th, 2009