Big Stories You Might Have Missed!

The Obama McCain death-match has sucked all the oxygen out of the American media-space. All that’s being covered is the horse race and that’s a shame. It’s not much of a horse race anymore—the young black stallion has lapped the old gray plug—and while we await the inevitable there is so much we’re missing! Important side-stories about the election are being sadly underreported, and non-political news is being roundly ignored.

Here at Hypocrisy we aim to serve. We clean out the dusty corners and ferret out the dishy dirt so you don’t have to. Here are a few things you might have missed while glued to the tube, watching David “The Amazing Combover” Gergen and Bay “Lipsick on a Lizard” Buchanan fight it out on CNN:

The 2008 hurricane season was a bust. Named storms were down, big storms were way down and deaths disappointingly low. Nervous climatologists said it was a typical sophomore slump, Global Warming had a great year in 07, a fall-off is only to be expected. They expect climate change to do much better in 2009.

Al Gore claims Global Warming was focused on Philadelphia. “The horrible weather that caused the first-ever suspension of a World Series game was a manifestation of a new threat to the climate—The Wrath of God, also known as The Bud Selig Effect,” said Mr. Gore.

The second Phil Spector murder trial opened this week. The Free Phil Legal Defense Fund took to the streets of LA, urging mercy for the First Tycoon of Teen. “Sure, he killed Lana Clarkson,” a spokesperson said, “but what did she ever do? Phil Spector gave us the Wall of Sound, and such classics as ‘He’s a Rebel’ and ‘Walking in the Rain.’ He touched millions with his magnificent three-minute symphonies of rock, and we say he deserves a mulligan.”

Just in time for Halloween, Generalissimo Fidel Castro and Dear Vegetable Kim Jong Il announced the formation of the Not Quite Dead Yet Communist Dictator’s League. “It’s an act of solidarity between the peoples of Cuba and North Korea,” said their joint communiqué, “living and undead.” Soviet founder Vladimir Illych Lenin was pointedly denied admission to this new, exclusive club. When asked for comment, Lenin said, “Brush this stinking capitalist mold off my face, will you Comrade?”

Mahmoud Ahamadiejad was granted “apprentice” status, and will achieve full membership if his current bout of “exhaustion” goes well.

Due to the economic slowdown gasoline prices have now fallen so low that the practice of burning down your sub-prime house for the insurance money is now, once again, cost-effective.

The makers of “Kimbo Slice Instant Energy Sports Drink” have announced a total recall of the product, after reports of its being used as the latest date rape drug. “Slice’s stuff is like WMD for sexual predators,” a police informant said. “It works every time. One sip and fourteen seconds later, she’s flat on her back.”

Bristol Palin’s baby daddy, Levi Johnston, freed from the shotgun wedding demanded by a Sarah Palin vice presidency, announced his engagement to Joe the Plumber. A June wedding is planned in San Francisco, pending the results of the gay marriage amendment in California. Otherwise friends and family will bless the union in Massachusetts.

Mr. Plumber is planning to take the advance he got from his book, “Up From the Toilet Seat: How I Went From Being a Simple Plumber to a Complete Asshole,” to finance his new life with Levi. Reportedly, they are buying Goldman Sachs.

In a related story of heartwarming brotherhood and tolerance, Proposition Q, banning gay marriage but allowing plural gay marriage, is running ahead in the polls in Utah. When questioned about the apparent anomaly, Beehive staters gushed “Have you seen their compounds? I mean, the landscaping is fabulous!” The officially-banned Church of Latter Day Sodomites would not speak for the record, but remain quietly hopeful.

Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was sentenced to four years hard labor working on the bridge to nowhere, better known as the Pain-Washington Expressway. The Wasilla-DC road is scheduled for completion in 2012. Or 2016. Or, God willing, never.

Lastly, O.J. Simpson, writing from his cell in Nevada, declared that he’d finally found “the real killer.” “I found him right here in Clark County jail, sleeping in my bunk!” Simpson wrote. “Tell the Goldmans to call off the dogs.”

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